Sayfurrahman

I have been listening to several soulful music these past few days. Yet I am ashamed of myself.

I am ashamed that I listen to these songs of reflection that should reflect the state of my soul, yet they have short periods of effect on me.

That not to say just the songs. I have been getting less and less feelings when I read the Qur’an now. My state of ‘amal is at a low. My zeal in Islam is cut short. And I lament… Iman, Iman, wherefore art thou? Hast thou gone from mine heart?

My heart seems to hardened these past few days. Yet i know what must be causing it. What is sad to me, is that I know. But I seem to not be able to do anything about it.

No. Not not able to do something about it. Rather, chose not to do something about it.

But somehow, I still fear… I fear ALLAH’s retribution in the akhirah. I do not know if what little ‘amal I did counted. I do not know if what counted was not tainted with unsincerity. I do not know if I die, I would be able to answer truthfully to ALLAH, “Lord, I have don’t good when I was alive!”

No. I do not know. But I know I will not have the courage to say, “Lord, I have sinned… So?” I cannot imagine in myself, such arrogance as to say such unforgivable words to the source of my solace whom I forsook in times of plenty.

No. I cannot remember at which times I was grateful to Him, my Provider, my Lifegiver. What I have done in this life thus far, 23 years thus far, I have not really done much deeds. Oh, have realy earned my place in Paradise, or have I earned myself HELL???

O ALLAH, forgive my heart that knows you not. Forgive my heart that is undecided. Forgive my soul that wanders from Your Path. Forgive this self that belies Your Greatness.

O ALLAH, very few are the times when I have feared you. Many are the times when I held my head in arrogance. Forgive me of those times. Instill in me a love for You that is unsurpassed. Such is my hope, to The Granter of Hopes.

O ALLAH, this heart is weak. This heart has become hard and fragile. This heart has long since lost it’s luster of taqwa. This heart has become dark of sins and desires forbidden. This heart now longs for your forgiveness. For your love, for love of your prophet.

Yet… It knows not of your acceptance. It knows not if you are angry at it. You The Great, and it the small. The unworthy.

Many times has it betrayed it pleas to You. Many times has it forgotten that it had just asked You forgiveness minutes past. It turned back to the Path of Wrong, from your Path of Righteusness.

Oh ALLAH… I am weak. I do not have strength to keep on Your Path. So bless me with your blessings. Suport me with your strength. Cleanse my heart of sins that blacken it that I may not receive Your Guidance.

I have come to the point where I as so confused with who I am. I am not sure if I am a real Muslim, submitting to You, or if I am munafiq, acting with hypocrisy in the face of Your Deen. I seek you protection from the evils of mine self, and I seek refuge that I may bring myself lower than animals in terms of love and faith to You, O ALLAH.

ALLAH, guide me. For there is no Guide better that You, My Source of Peace and Solace.